I have a feeling that this is going to be a long post so do grab a cuppa and join me while we have a good old chat. It does feel like it’s been a long while since we had one of these.
Before you read on, this is unedited sweary Laura, and I’ll also be talking about some things that could potentially be triggering to some of you. If that isn’t your thing click away now.
So I’ve pinched the title of this post from one of my fave podcasters Jess Lively. She sometimes does podcasts with the same title as a way to share the stuff that’s on her mind honestly with her listeners. In her last one she spoke about feeling a disconnect with her listeners and that’s kind of how I’ve been feeling myself.
I’ve done a lot of reflecting on Wholeheartedly Healthy lately and how I feel about it going forward. I know that some time after I had Finley I seemed to lose the confidence to really share myself and my feelings here and on social media. I really can’t put my finger on what it’s been that has caused this, but I think this is where I’m feeling that disconnect. Maybe just with having a child, I feel more protective of sharing and a lot more vulnerable when I do share, there’s definitely been a ‘turning inwards’ phase I’ve experienced over the last 18 months or so, which I feel is just now starting to shift.
Connected to that loss of confidence and protectiveness I’ve been feeling like a lot of what I want to share is kind of pointless. I look at Instagram and Facebook and other blogs and really wonder what I have to add to the conversation. I used to feel like I was more ‘original’ – whatever that is these days – but now whenever I want to post something that I feel is profound – to me at least – I feel like it’s already been said by people who are so much more popular than I am. The blogging scene has changed vastly since I started Keeping Slim Getting Stylish (I can’t believe I called it that way back when lol!) and now although I get a lot of visits to this site – I hit almost 200k views a month at the start of the year – it’s just to about 5-6 really popular posts that have gone viral on Pinterest. Obvs I’m not complaining about that, but alongside the shift in how people consume information online (fast paced), I just don’t share that much personally here anymore and that’s kind of sad for me and something I now feel like I’m ready to change – I know a lot of long term readers miss those posts.
At the same time, I just don’t have the capacity to blog more than once a week. I looked back at when I’d only just had Finley and I was still blogging 2-3 times a week! With a premature sick baby! I can see why that pull back happened eventually when I look at it like that. And then, running this as a business isn’t always easy – although mostly it’s amazing but more on that in a sec. I’ve made SO many fuck ups in the years since I started blogging. When I started doing sponsored posts I was just fumbling my way though and making many, many mistakes along the way. Some of you might have noticed that the number of sponsored posts has vastly reduced over the last few months. I’m not saying I’ve totally figured that side of business out, but I am a lot more picky with who I work with than I once was.
And then another thing that comes up for me is worrying that many of you reading this will think I’m a stupid, self-centred blogger who’s completely out of touch with reality. I know some of you will hate that this is run as a business and I’m also sure most of you couldn’t give two shits about the blogging scene and sponsored posts and now I feel stupid for even talking about it (as I’m sure you can now tell I’m also rather good at beating myself up – some things you have to keep working on).
But the truth is my life is amazing. I feel so much gratitude everyday for what I have, my beautiful adorable little angel who for so long I didn’t think I’d ever meet. My house, which after living in our little flat and being landed with several thousand pounds worth of negative equity, I also never thought I’d ever have. My husband who is so supportive and loving and my friends and family who are the same. This business, which is just amazing – literally amazing – I get to work with the best women ever and do things I love every day and it’s all flexible and I can work as and when I need to – it’s like magic. Even my relationship with myself and my body is a million times better than it once was. I have gained weight (facing up to the fact that this might just be my body’s happy weight), but I don’t really care that much unless when I have the odd wobble. I used to think I got here by luck, but it’s not that. If there’s one thing I can own with confidence it’s that I’ve very conciously worked on making this happen.
However, all of this combined sometimes makes me feel like I’m out of touch with everyone else and totally un-relatable, like I’m only interesting when I have something shit happening in my life. I also know that I’m just not as passionate about ‘healthy living’ in the same way I was. To be honest I just don’t relate to healthy living in the same way that I did, I’m not even sure I could call this blog a healthy living blog any more really. I can see how self care and mindset type stuff link in with wellbeing, and it’s more wellbeing and woo woo (spirituality) that I feel connected to rather than this ‘healthy living scene’ we see in magazines and online, I know I’ve spoken before about how much I don’t resonate with that anymore. Self care, mindset and general wellbeing is so much more where I am right now. Even when it comes to recipes I’m not passionate in the same way I was. I used to fetishise food, now I still love food but I’m not obsessed about it in the same way.
Speaking of, bloody hell I feel so stupid for how obsessed I used to be. You guys who have followed me for a few years will no doubt be familiar with ‘fucked up skinny Laura’ as I sometimes think of myself back then. I’ve been working hard on forgiving myself for how I was but mostly I feel like a fool, I also feel extremely guilty that I was sharing how I was back then online and how I could have impacted other young women negatively. I’ve thought about deleting those old posts but haven’t yet done so, I guess they show me how far I’ve come.
As good as things are right now, I still have a few things that I need to address. I’ve realised I’m carrying around a lot of deep-seated guilt and trauma around Finley’s heart defect (as well as some energetic stuff around losing children which I believe is a past life trauma), I still beat myself up a lot of the time with negative self talk, I’m working very hard to handle my money better (SO many links between money and food you guys) and as I said, I do still have the odd body image wobble.
Mindset-wise my weight has interesting links for me – I know I have a subconscious thing going on that makes me link weight loss with infertility and losing control like I did the last time. My conscious mind knows that would never happen again and I’m working on releasing that old negative programming so I can move forward – mindset work in action! I’ve also realised I have some internal conflicting needs that have led to self sabotage in the past and I’m working my way through those as well.
Whew, it feels good (but also scary as hell) to share all of that stuff with you!
Going forward I think I have some decisions I need to make. It’s clear that what this site is about is not ‘healthy living’ in the typical sense. I want to share more of my journey with you all again, as well as the self care, mindset and general wellbeing topics that light me up. As much as I sometimes feel like I have nothing helpful to say, I know I still do and I know that my voice, just as everyone else’s – is needed in this world. One other thing I have to mention that is my biggest passion right now is the woo woo spiritual stuff, I find so much empowerment in it – I am seriously as woo as fuck – and it’s a massive part of my wellbeing I couldn’t not share it. I wanted to share most of my musings on that over at lauraagarwilson.com (which I haven’t yet started to share, other than biz related posts) but I feel like I can’t separate out my version of what ‘Wholeheartedly Healthy’ is for me anymore. This might mean that this blog (and if you’re a subscriber, my emails) just aren’t relevant for you now, or just don’t jive with you in the same way. What’s clear to me now more than ever, is that I need to ‘do Laura’ as hard as possible and it’s ok if me as I am now isn’t your cup of tea. I’m really hoping that I still am though :-)
I know this post was heavy going so thanks for reading! I’d love your thoughts on any of this stuff in the comments….